If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
do horses think humans are hats
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles