@GrantTanaka: If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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@jjhartinger: hubs: why the makeup? me: we're cooking dinner together. him: and... me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
@HiddenPinky: [Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me] Me: At least somebody's happy to see me! Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*