If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: