if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.


friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?


Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes



Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes


Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones


Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.


ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine