@sensual_dad

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

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@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@DeadLioness

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

@briancthayer

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

@TragicAllyHere

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

@sarcasticmommy4

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine