if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Look at this
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”