My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
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friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine