If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

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Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”


[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.


ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris


wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*


My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh


If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.


Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.



“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel


murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)