@AimeeHelene1

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

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@kevinseccia

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

@C_J_Commode

I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.

@SkinnerSteven

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schrรถedi

@meganamram

I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross

@Brianhopecomedy

I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.

@BlakWidowBarbee

My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@juliagalef

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”