Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
ME: no paris
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)