if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts