Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…still more neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you’ve only eaten 3 then 25 arrive at once
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?