If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)