when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
You Might Also Like
GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes
ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.
So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.