@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

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@behindyourback

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@therealeatwood

GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six

@TheTweetOfGod

Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@StansaidAirport

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

@KindOfASmartass

If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.

So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

@martyntanton

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.