if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.


me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions


Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.


I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do


Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children


“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids