if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”