If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.

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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏


Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.


Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol


Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.

so i made her a mixed signal tape


He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”


My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.


Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.