If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.
so i made her a mixed signal tape
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.