Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
<- sleeps well with others
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook