Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
i can’t wait that long
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.