WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot