If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You Might Also Like
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”