If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums