If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
just leave it at the foot of the bed