If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done