If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
im 7 sauces long
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.