Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT