I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You Might Also Like
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
the short answer to this question
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.