@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

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@Better_Clever

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

@chadchaines

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Media, stop using the phrase ‘breaking news’. It’s been broken for some time now.

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@_elvishpresley_

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@pilau

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT