If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Go girl power!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.