@Kyle_Lippert

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

You Might Also Like

@GuyConfused

No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.

@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

@shawnspree

Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@markleggett

ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me