You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me