I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)