@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

@daemonic3

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

@SteveKoehler22

Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.

@BobGolen

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

@TheJollygunner

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

@3sunzzz

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

@bonehugsnirony

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

@DrakeGatsby

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches