If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*



[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business


Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.


“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”


Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.


No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.


I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.


goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches