What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“