[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.