If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
So creative 😂
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.