@nishadtrivedi

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

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@RealJinjaNinja

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@ThisLocalHater

But officer, that is my emotional support dismembered corpse in the trunk

@fro_vo

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

@emmaberen

with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen

@Cpin42

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@Tmoney68

Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.