If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.