Hey boy, are you a nap? because I wanna have you all the time.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.