@Cpin42

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

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@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@Stexcy

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

@minkpinkustink

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@dogfather

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

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Just take a day off

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.