Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.