if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no