My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
You Might Also Like
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.
Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers