If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

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The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”


It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.


A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?


Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style


Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*


My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.


[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie


[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!