The amount of tinder matches I’ve gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from “Murdering” to “Not Murdering”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
Me: So you guys moo