Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”