If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
And that about sums it up.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
This 4th of July, please remember…
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Oh my god
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel