If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]