if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
welp
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
CRYING
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.