If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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“TGIM!” – My liver
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
never forget
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Oh deer
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.