i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
greetings!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My dating profile:
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.