If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.