If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings


Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!


Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”


It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.


Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.


Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”


ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857