New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Dear Grocery store clerk,
What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them