@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

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@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@jwoodham

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

@Peauxtassium

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857