Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.