A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
These work great until they don’t.