Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me in tagged photos
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool