If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring