@AimeeHelene1: If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
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@thepaulahunt: I am "I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch" years old.
@AndyAsAdjective: GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II ME: I've had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
@bornmiserable: Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
@Gupton68: Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.