if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Ice skating is like walking in cursive