If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing