Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You Might Also Like
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My work here is don’t.