Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Fights fire with marshmallows
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
don’t be scared
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it