50 shades of grey = my Liver
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
You’d be surprised how many strangers will let you hug them when you approach with open arms & a big smile.
None. I’ve been stabbed 3 times
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”