If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Yes my dude
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball