I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
Me (whispering): hello