@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

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@cervixsmash

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing

@batkaren

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@Parkerlawyer

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Stalk your awful ex on Twitter,
Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.
‘Tis the season to be bitter.
Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.

@iGreenMonk

One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.

@PhriendlyCody

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

@oldlinds

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*