@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Super Hand Dog Face
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[sees Facebook friend you haven鈥檛 talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Not messing around
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I鈥檓 paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma鈥檃m, would you like some champagne?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
not to brag, but mine was free
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
me: ugh I鈥檓 so fat
him: babe no, it鈥檚 all in your head
me: oh great, I don鈥檛 even know any head exercises
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that鈥檚 not why he鈥檚 mad
Seal it so to open it, you鈥檒l need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don鈥檛 be whack.