If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Huge, if true.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?