If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume