If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together


mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner


There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed


Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!


In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.


I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.


Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?


DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?


Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.


[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much