With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much