If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Well, this certainly took a turn
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here