If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that