If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???


They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.


Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew


him: you know you aren’t supposed to use q-tips like that

me: *eating a bowl of q-tips covered in ranch* i’ll take my chances


It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.


A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?


Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.


I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.


ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer


ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen


She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe