If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I have a black belt in leather
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
called in thicc to work this morning
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*